I just don't fit sometimes

Even though blogs and Twitter are supposed to be the open forum where you should feel free to express your opinion, most of the time I hold back. Most of the time I don't say what I really think. Most of the time, I think of the funniest, or most controversial thing I can say- but I rarely ever say what I really think. Why? I don't say what I really think, because what I really think doesn't fit in most places. Here's a few examples;

1. I don't fit with liberal, educated white America. I never finished college, and I don't have a whole lot of guilt about being white, and I don't feel like I owe the world anything. My impression of liberal, educated white America is that they think they know better than everyone else. They think they know what is good for black people, Puerto Ricans and for Haitians. They go out of their way to be "inclusive" and accepting. They carry an air of enlightenment. They vote for Democrats, and give money to various causes around the world. They pride themselves on having a gay friend, and they name their kids "chase" and "jayden." They compose the majority of the Priuum. I don't get it, and they don't get me. Although I share much of the "idealistic" views at the core of this group, I also disagree on many points. I used to find fundamentalist Christians annoying- but liberal, educated white America has taken the fundie's place in my book of ire.

2. I grew up in proximity to the 'hood. I like to joke that we weren't poor, just everyone else in the neighborhood was. My dad provided for us, and worked hard all his life. He made a better life for me and my brother, and we eventually moved to better neighborhoods. A family trust fund enabled my brother and I to go to private school. This is why I can't say I grew up in the hood. I grew up adjacent to it. We rubbed up against it. We got it on us. By the time NWA came along in '87, and white america started identifying with the dissilusion and alienation, I had already been listening to rap music for 3-4 years. I was already listening to Run DMC, LL Cool J, BDKane, and KRS One. I didn't need NWA to tell me I was angry, I was already angry.
We got hassled by the police just for being where we were, and where we were was unavoidable. We were chased out of malls, and followed around in retail stores. We dated who we wanted, and our dating policy didn't include any form of discrimination. We were friends, and we rolled with whatever friend from whatever race showed up. Our lines were drawn around our group, our school, or our neighborhood- not around what color we all were, and I kind of resent the new way that race is portrayed these days. Its like we're supposed to ignore it now, and pretend like our hair, noses and fingernails are the same- and I'm sorry but they aren't. Go try to buy hair care products for yourself and get the one with a picture of the guy/ gal who is a different race than you.
I'm not saying I want to constantly point out that we're different. I just don't want to be in denial and PRETENT like we're the same. We can have the same political views, the same taste in music/sex/ cars/ etc. but there's still differences- and those differences are ok.

3. I don't fit in with the "Conservative" crowd either. I tried to roll with this group for 5-6 years in the 90s. I met most of the big leaders at the time. I participated in the vast, right wing conspiracy- but something about it ended up leaving me feeling empty and unfulfilled. I wanted to stand up for what was right. I wanted to believe. Somehow, I just couldn't do it. I believed in the "fundamentals" but I couldn't agree on the definitions. I couldn't play the game. I didn't fit in with this group either. This group was supposed to be my home, but I guess I just asked too many questions, or challeged the status quo too often. I dunno. When I get around too many people from the right i wanna burn something.

What does all this mean? I can define what I'm not- but what am I?

First, I am a Christian. This means that I believe that God became a man in the form of Jesus, and died for our sins. I believe that God, in the form of the Holy Spirit is active in our lives today. If you don't believe that Jesus died for your sins, then you will have a different paradigm- a different view of the world than I do, and ultimately, I don't expect you to do things, or see things the same way I do. This is a pretty vanilla definition- but through all my years and all my struggles this remains my constant.

It means that I already know I'm not a racist, so I don't feel obligated to go gaga over everything Barack Obama says. It means that I'm willing to say a few things that most white boys shouldn't say- like statistically speaking, there's a good chance that a black person is going to answer the door when I go to work in a section 8 neighborhood. I didn't say that this is right. I'm not afraid to say that. I want to see more black entrepeneurs, doctors, plumbers, HVAC mechanics.
I don't like the "N" word, no matter how you pronounce it. I think that when I listen to "black" radio and hear a commercial about how the census will help the government decide to which "neighborhoods to redirect federal resources" is an inherently racist thing for the government to say on black radio, and I think black people should be pissed that the people who wrote that commercial assumed that ALL black people need public assistance.

It means that I think poor people should have health care, but that small business shouldn't have to pay for it.

It means that I believe in a woman's right to chose, but I don't know any woman who's ever been proud or happy to have to make that choice. I think the argument is dead and that Christians need to move on- but I'd really like for Christians to start thinking about how to engage teens before it gets to that point.

I believe that hard work and determination should get you to where you need to go. I also believe that the morons running our county are making it harder and harder for hard work and determination to amount to anything. I think that there's a hard working young man/ woman in India, China, Flint Michican, South America who deserves it more than I do.

I think that America is a great country, but I've visited other countries I've liked too.

I think that most Muslims can suck it, but I think they have a better understanding of the nature of God than most Catholics. If they would stop blowing up shit, I may re-think my position. I can't stand fundamentalism in any religion (including my own). I think that a coin has two sides, and an edge.

I don't hate "the gays." I believe that you can poke, suck, eat, chew, lick, smell whatever you want- but I don't think that it should give you minority status. I believe that I should accept you, but I don't believe that I should have to "bless" you. Marriage is an instituion of the church, so if you want to be in a committed, monogamous, homosexual relationship- call it something else. I like "gay-rraige" but you don't have to go with my idea. I'm sorry but what and who you have sex with doesn't mean I should have to turn my world upside down to accommodate you. By all means have at it- do what you want, just quit trying to rub my nose in it.

I believe that the borders of our country should have walls around them, but that the walls should have gates, and we should do everything we can to allow as many people who are willing to live by our rules in. I also believe that we should do everything we can to keep our enemies out.

I believe that each nation has its own solidarity- but that nation gives up that right to solidarity when even one of it's citizens attack the citizens of another country. When I walk into your embassies here in Washington, I respect your traditions and culture. I remove my shoes, I take off my hat, or cover my head. I try to pronounce the names correctly.

I believe that law-abiding citizens should be allowed to keep and bear arms. I also believe that a town, city, or country has the right to place prohibitions on how those arms are kept and born. Density of population prevents you from getting a clear shot- so you shouldn't be able to take that shot. I also know that a sword, a machete, or a steak knife can be just as effective at close range. I believe that the MOAB can be fired in just warfare and in self-defense, and a fork can be used to commit murder- and that there is a difference.

I believe that a nation has the right to judge and terminate murderers, rapists, and violent criminals within its society- but that the individuals of that nation should practice grace and forgiveness wherever possible. This is the difference between corporate justice, and individual mercy.

Humanity should do everything it can to discover, create, build, explore and expand. This includes the depths of the sea, and the reaches of space.

It is our imperative and our responsibility to care for nature and to steward our resources accordingly, but I don't believe that the "chicken little" approach works. I think that we built our society on fossil fuel, and it will take time to wean ourselves from the teat of big oil. Until then, we'd better get used to the word "hybrid"

That's just some of it- call me what you will, but I think that I'm a conservative on the inside, and a liberal with everyone else. In other words, I hold my self to a relatively high standard, but I feel that there's room in this world for all people. I don't mind that people are different, and I can appreciate the differences that people from all walks bring. I just don't necessarily want to be like them- but I know there are large parts of the world who wish they could live more like I do, so as Americans with mostly Judeo-Christian values we must have been doing SOMETHING right all this time.