I gave up my membership and leadership postion as an elder in a church in October of 1999. It all started because I had what I believed to be a legitimate gripe against my pastor, and according to our own bylaws, my co-elder. It wasn't an easy choice, and it was one of the most difficult times in my life.
I attempted to follow the Biblical model for confronting him- I talked to him in private. I shared my concerns:
1. I felt we weren't stewarding our resources when we overextended ourselves financially, bouncing checks, etc.
2. I felt we were manipulating and controlling our congregation under the guise of "discipleship"
3. I felt that while we were giving everyone else the keys to "managing life effectively" I had a hole in my soul that was getting emptier and deeper by the minute
This didn't go over too well, and he ignored and dismissed everything I said.
I went to the next step. I voiced my concerns in a private elders meeting. Again I was dismissed and basically "blown-off"
I took the final step and flew to a conference put on by our denomination. I paid for the trip myself, and met with the leaders myself. They flew my pastor into the meeting, and ignoring our church's by-laws, assumed that our church was subject to the traditional model of leadership and cited "spiritual authority, and denied my right to confront my pastor.
So, in a classic Ron White moment, WE decided that it would be best if I resigned. I was lost, I didn't know where to go. What do you do when you were a leader in a church, involved in national and international ministry, and now your'e out of a job, out of a church, and out of your social network of friends.
My wife was unable to cope with the whole situation, and found that it was easier to confide in some guy at her job than it was to confide in me, so I soon lost her as well.
I tried, but couldn't find a church that fit. After all I just spent 10 years customizing a church that fit me, how was I going to be able to fit into someone else's? I didn't handle the whole thing too well. I freaked out. I went a little crazy. After all, my whole identity was wrapped up in this thing- I was CHURCHBOY for crying out loud.
I didn't realize that in all of this pain and agony, failure and misery I was on the forefront of a new revolution in the church. I wasn't a backslider, a drop-out, a loser- I was simply a post-congregationalist. I wasn't an anomaly, I was a revolutionary, I was at the forefront of a new trend in the church.
I gotta tell you, it ain't easy. At first I felf guilty being seperated from the church. I wished some days that I could just take it all back, and put things back the way they were. All the control and manipulation wasn't that bad was it? I mean it wasn't so bad when my pastor asked me to sign bad checks and knowingly lie to creditors was it? It wasn't so terrible to promise a bunch of stuff to a fellow ministry and then lie, cheat, and steal to deliver substandard material. It wasn't so bad that we were killing ourselves for my pastor's view of "success?"
I didn't do everything right. As a matter of fact I did alot of things wrong. I figured that since I had basically been excommunicated, I was basically a spiritual "dead man walking" and that I could do whatever I wanted. I was confused. All I did was stand up for what I believed was right.
I don't know where things are going to go from here. I don't know where I fit into this concept of a wall-less church. Over the last few months I have been waking up, and formulating a plan.
I still believe in God, and in a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. This relationship has become more real to me lately, since I have been pursuing it without someone pressuring me into it. I believe in the Bible, but I'm not a fundamentalist, nor am I a infallibilitist.
You gotta understand that before my excommunication I made myself an expert on church growth, small-groups, preaching styles, church administration, generational studies, contemporary worship and trends facing the church.
I withdrew for a while. I went into hiding. I shut down emotionally, spirittually, but I have begun to wake up. Traditionally, a person like me would walk into a church, fall down at the altar in tears, spend some time in counseling, and then be back in the network again "doing church."
I don't want to go back to the way we did it before. I'm not a baby-boomer, and I refuse to participate in Ward and June Cleaver's fake idealistic church. Americans are stressed out. We don't need to stress them out further by putting forth an idealized unrealistic relationship with God.
I want to get real. I want to face reality. I want to be a Christian, and I want to do whats right. I have things that I have learned over the years, that once I get my head straight, I plan to share these things with others. We are on the verge of something new, and exciting- a little scarey, but I think that as always, with every reformation, there comes a renaissance, and I love art.
comments and commentary welcome-
http://www.barna.org/
http://www.theooze.com/main.cfm http://www.faithworks.com/archives/a_churchless_faith.htm
http://emergent-us.typepad.com/
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