New Year's Declarations

Everyone hates making new year's resolutions, and it's a quick way to set yourself up for failure. So I have decided I am going to make a few non-specific, non-committal declarations about how I feel at this particular moment- so that way if I feel different tomorrow, you won't have anything to hold against me.

1. I need to sharpen my image. Although I'd much rather roll out in the morning in a pair of jeans, a flannel and a comfortable pair of boots, the truth is I am in management, and I need to start looking the way I act.

2. I need to get those last couple licenses straight. Dealing with the District of Columbia is a bit like listening to Vogon poetry, and getting something through the DC Bureaucracy is every bit as excruciating as Vogon infrastructure, I need to go ahead and bite the bullet and get that master HVAC in the district.

3. I need to "network" better. We live and die through word-of-mouth advertising, so I need to be able to get out there where the customers are. I have spent a lifetime building up a database of people I know, and it turns out that most of those people are either competitors or suppliers. Which is great if i am either
a. looking for a job or
b. buying something.
Since I am doing very liitle of either one right now, its high time I get out in the world and start being "nice" to people.

I guess that's enough stuff for now...

9-11

I know there will probably be alot of bulletins, emails, and other stuff about 9-11, but there's two things I wanted to communicate.

First, we could all use a good helping of "pissed off" about what happened six years ago. Osama Video Where among other things he says- "And before concluding, I tell you: there has been an increase in the thinkers who study events and happenings, and on the basis of their study, they have declared the approach of the collapse of the American Empire."

The other thing is, whatever your political views there are things you can do to help the soldiers who are in harms way and their families.America Supports you

No animated flags, no burning building pics, no Lee Greenwood- just watch Osama, or read the transcript- and then donate before you forget, and if you feel so moved- go ahead and forward.

Nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey hey...

GOODBYE!
I remember doing that song at sporting events when someone would get ejected from the game. It looks like it might be a fitting song to be revived now that the Dog abuser Michael Vick has decided to switch his plea to "guilty."
I can't feel sorry for this guy in the least. He's got all that money, and the only thing he can think of to do on a daily basis is torture animals? I'm not a big animal rights activist- and I'm not going to harp on how cruel dog fighting is- I'm going to try to stick to the topic.


Vick signed a six- year $62 million dollar contract on May 9, 2001. That works out to over $10 million a year, and over $600 thousand a week. So what does a man do who has everything? Fight Dogs.
If I ever get to the point where I have done everything, and the only thing left is DOG FIGHTING just shoot me. I mean, the morning I wake up- and I realize that I have done everything BESIDES watching pit bulls repeatedly rape a female dog- I want you to come to my house and literally blow my head off.

• What's so wrong about naked midget chick wrestling? http://www.cafepress.com/prideinart/406415
• Or car chucking http://www.makezine.com/blog/archive/2006/02/car_tossing_robot.html.
• He didn't have any fascination with going to space?http://www.virgingalactic.com/flash.html
• Or buying real estate on the moon?http://www.moonshop.com/.
  You mean to tell me that he didn't want to buy a tattoo on this guy's back? http://www.stunning-stuff.com/read-weird-news-stories/134.html?ci=l
• So, he's already completed his fossilized mud collection?
  http://files.tellmewhereonearth.com/Photos%20Weirdest/w184a.JPG
• He never got the urge to go buy- er I mean "adopt" one of these kids?http://peanutbutterburrito.blogs.com/photos/uncategorized/darfur_kids.jpg

I know I can't judge the man until I've walked a mile in his Nike Michael Vick Shoes, http://www.pickyourshoes.com/images/shoes/listing/zoom_vick_wht_blk.jpg but I just think, that with a little creativity, and a little time Michael Vick could have thought of something better to do with the $577/ hour he's been making for the last five years (counting spring training and practice)

Mr. Vick, backatcha

Blacksmithing

I took a class with my dad this past weekend in blacksmithing, and it turned out to be quite the experience. Working with my hands again and learning something new was a very rewarding, sometimes challenging, but mostly fun experience.

It all started a few months back, when I was looking online at the curruculum at Howard Community College. I try to learn new things when I can, and I always enjoy the opportunity to increase the old knowledge base. There was a myriad of options for classes I could take-

1. business management type classes to help me climb the corporate ladder

2. engineering-related classes to help me one day legitimize my position, and trade level

3. requirement (filler) classes to inch me toward that ever-elusive degree.

It all seemed pretty 'ho-hum' the more I looked at it.

So I started doing the usual google searches for odd terms "trade schools" and "course study" and somehow stumbled upon the Carroll County Farm museum. They offer summer classes in old-school trades, and I saw the blacksmithing class and I knew I had to do it.

To add to the fun, Wayne recently moved up here from Florida, so I asked him (sort 0f at the last minute) if he wanted to take the class with me. So sure enough, he said yes, and we signed up. (For those of you who don't know me, I use "Wayne" and "Dad" interchangeably. It goes back to the days when I was 17 yrs old, and out on a jobsite with Dad, and too dumb and too proud to admit that I was working with my old man. You know I wanted to be my own man)

I had no idea what to expect. Would it be a bunch of time spent sitting in a classroom studying the history of metal work? would we have to start at the bronze age, go over the iron, and then at the end of the second day watch the guy make a fireplace poker?

To my surprise, after a short safety talk, and a brief introduction, each member of the class took positions forge-side, and before i knew it I had a 2 lb hammer in my hand and I was pounding on hot molten steel! Wayne and I are no strangers to a torch, and Dad has spent alot more time welding than I have, but surprisingly enough, we found ourselves joking around, giving the instructor a hard time, and learning (and I quote the syllabus directly)

"...the basics of blacksmithing from forge and fire control to hammer control. You will learn to forge a fish tail scroll, pig tail scroll, tab hook, drive hook, forge poker, water can handle, and other student selected projects as time permits."

Our instructors, Ray Neubauer, and Bob Nagle were great instructors, and through demonstration, hands-on instruction, and the occasional "corrective procedure" really helped us all feel like blacksmithing was something we could spend more time doing.

You can bet that when November comes around and its time for the intermediate class, I'll be signed up for what I know will be another great weekend. I'm also thinking about joining the guild but now the big question- where can i get my hands on one of those anvils?

I also got to spend a little time with Wayne- although I called him "Dad" most of the weekend, because the old pride just ain't what it used to be, and one of the guys thought we were brothers when we walked up- and I just couldn't have that!

Bart's Junk

We went to see the new Simpson's movie this weekend, and I have to admit it was a little wierd sitting in a large dark room with 250 other people watching the Simpsons. There were the usual gags, a few funny surprising moments, and a few genuine laughs- but the biggest thing was a dare between Homer and Bart where Homer dared Bart to skateboard naked to the Krusty Burger and back.

Bart's crusing down the street nude and a more than a few conveniently placed items cover little Bart, and then Bam! Bart's junk! Little Bart flashed on the screen for everyone to see. It wasn't that big of a deal, but it was just a little surprising- given that the male member is usually taboo in even R rated movies.

Aside from the Bart "member shot" it felt like a long episode of the Simpsons. I mean these characters have been in our lives for over 17 years! This show lasted longer than my first marriage for cryin' out loud. Standing in line and paying to see the Simpsons is kinda like going to the zoo to see your own pets in cages.

Its not that I didn't like it. I'm a Simpsons devotee- I've been watching the Simpson family not grow up or get any older since they were a short at the end of the Tracy Ullman Show. Its just that the movie didn't feel like a movie.

There was a few slow moments where I thought a remote would be handy- you know, not really "change the channel" just see what else is on for a second. The Simpsons at this point are like ambient TV. Its whats on when there's nothing on. Its what you have on BEFORE Prime time. There's much to be said about the "staying power" of the Simpsons, about its permanent place in American culture, and its enduring charm- but if you wanna pay to see the Simpsons, come to my house around 7pm every evening. For $40 I'll give you all the popcorn you can eat, a big soda, and even let you hold the remote.

under my umbah- rella ella ella eh eh oh eh eh

Has anyone else noticed that Rihanna's song has massive issues in the rhyming category?

When the sun shines, we’ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)

I'm sorry- but forever doesn't qualify as rhyming with ever, because you can't use a word to rhyme if its the same as the suffix- and then other and umbrella just do not work at all. It doesn't even work in ebonics.

I did, however realize that it works in hillbilly, because in certain parts of the south an umbrella is commonly referred to as an umbreller. Unfortunately this doesn't seem to work very well for the genre-So I made new lyrics that actually rhyme with umbrella:

When the sun shines, it shines through windows made by pella
Told you that sammich was poisoned with salmonella
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath I'm going to stick it out till the end
Now that it's raining on my friend named Ella
Know that I'll feature you in my next novella
You can stand under my umbrella

I thought about adding
"I'm glad there's loud accompaniment because I can't sing a capella"
but I thought that might be too mean.

Hey Rihanna- it's called Rhymezone.com. Look into it.

Oh yeah- I almost forgot, Umbrella has three syllables. I hate this friggin song.

GOHOA Problems

My HoA has become a problem recently.

PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS

I have a company vehicle that hardly qualifies as a commercial vehicle. It is a Ford Explorer Sport Trac (have you seen this thing?) Basically its a tiny little truck in which Barbie wouldn't be caught dead. I mean this "truck" (and I use the term loosly) is about as far from "commercial" as you can get!

Anyway- I got a letter a couple months ago that the vehicle, being the GIANT COMMERCIAL vehicle that it is, was in violation of HoA rules, and that I could not park it in the community. So I quit parking it in front of my house, and began parking it up the street.

I also contacted the Community Mamangement Association, and asked them if I could simply get magnets to cover the company logos on the vehicle- the person I talked to at this time said that would be fine. So- I put in a requisition at work for some blank magnets, which had to be approved by my boss, etc. and are finally on order.

Well- to my surprise I got home today, and the truck was gone. So- you guessed it, the truck was towed. Isn't this a little extreme? Do we need a ban on commercial vehicles anyway?

So its not just the truck- its the constant letters telling me to pressure wash my friggin siding, and cut the grass in my FENCED-IN BACK yard. I even had a line-item to replace a missing piece of siding on the back of my house (there isn't any siding missing on the back of my house)

So I got to thinking- I work in HVAC, I know HoA's, Why don't we get a board that actually does useful things. Why don't we do things that we as a community actually want? Why not campaign to create a board that actually provides helpful and useful information to my neighbors? Why not find out what my neighbors really care about like-
1. SAFETY-
a. walkways and sidewalks are in various stages of disrepair and there is poor lighting at night.
b. the dry pond at the end of my street should have a cover over the water pipe inlet- some kid or pet could crawl in there and get hurt.
c. my truck (mentioned above) was broken into over the winter and a laptop and blackberry was stolen sometime in the middle of the night
2. ACCOUNTABILITY- The State of Maryland and Howard County require that financial and meeting records be available to Homeowners.
3. WASTE DISPOSAL
a. why can't we come up with a better way to manage waste disposal? Do you like having to wait until after dark on Thursday to take out the trash?
b. recycling (see point a)
We have rights as homeowners, and I'm really not looking for a fight- I just want to see some "reasonableness" come to our community and for once see some common sense reign in our community.

PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS

Iraq and a Hard Place

Didn't it used to mean that when you defeated a nations army, took its capital city, and killed its ruler that you won the war? What ever happened to the days when you defeated a nation's army you defeated the nation?

Now these piece of crap little countries have a few cowardly hold-outs attacking under the cover of subterfuge and terrorism and they act like they won. It reminds me of the Black Knight in Monty Python's Search for the Holy Grail. Insisting that the fact that he has no legs is merely a flesh wound...


So I have a three point plan for winning the War in Iraq.

1. We wake up tomorrow and just say we won. We won. Let's decorate Washington, hang the banners, and shoot off the fireworks and bring the boys home as heroes. The only thing is- in order to get what they want- The Democrats in Congress have to say with the rest of us that we won. We won. No detractors, no pundits, no opposing viewpoint- we want out, so we with one united voice we say "WE WON"

2. We forget about the Iraqi people's human rights for the next ten-twenty years. Who cares if their economy doesn't recover. Who cares if their people don't have roads and infrastrure. Who cares if rogue armies run around blowing up their own crap. Whenever some self-appointed Shia rises up, we fly over and bomb the crap out of him. The only trick is that all the liberals who are crying now about bringing the troops home, don't get to go over there in those stupid khaki vests talking about how crummy it is over there, and what a mess we left the place in.

3. We refuse to broadcast whatever towel-head shows up claiming we didn't win all over our media outlets, and for once the media machine in the US works AGAINST our enemies, and we say WE WON. I mean who's gonna argue with us? The French? We're the friggin world power. If we want to go defeat a foriegn army, kill it's totalitarian dictator, and run Old Glory up the flagpole and declare victory, its our perogative. We're THE friggin world power. Lets start acting like it. If America wants to say that we won the war in Iraq- then we won the war in Iraq. End of story.

I personally think that the boys over there did a damn good job. I don't happen to think that policing crappy urban environments is what they signed up for- and none of us wanted a long, protracted crappy occupation with a bunch of idiots with roadside bombs getting a kick out of blowing up hummers full of GIs.

So lets just say we won. Declare victory, bring the boy's home to a heroes' welcome- and that's it.

The only strategy that the enemy has is victory by attrition. If we pull our boy's out of there, and drop a nuclear bomb that turns that place into a (well...desert) some AK-47 toting mutant arab is going to climb out of a cave and declare victory over the infidels- and you can bet your ass that CNN will be right there to film the big American defeat.

The other option is to do as George Sr. said one time and "stay the course" We can tighten security in Iraq, send more troops give more funding, and crack down on those towel headed ingrates, forcing democracy and freedom on them whether they want it or not.







Any questions?

Paris Hilton Autopsy Sculpture

And now for the OMG WTF category...

Apparently the sculptor that made the thing last year of Brittney Spears giving birth on a bear-skin rug is at it again with another whacko sculpture.

Paris Hilton has allowed her visage to be used for a sculpture depicting her dead, splayed body ready to be autopsied. Apparently its a hands-on exhibit where students are allowed to open her up and remove parts. Its meant to scare teens away from drinking and driving during prom season.

I think the thing that makes it so wierd is that I've never seen an autopsy (on TV or otherwise) that features the DD with her legs spread like that! I mean the tiara and the puppy are one thing, but why not have her laying the way a body would prior to an actual autopsy.

Oh well, I took art classes for a short time in college- sometimes art is just wierd, and bizarre for the shock value and publicity factor. I have one question. Doesn the artist get to sculpt the figures from live poses? If that were the case that's probably how I'd pose her too- but I seriously doubt it.

Oh well- Paris is one of my close, personal friend on Myspace (I really do believe it), and I fully expect to hear from her about this in the next couple days. You can check it out for yourself at parishiltonautopsy dot com

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